This Maid’s a-Milking

Saturday, November 12

I had the alarm set for the ungodly hour of 6 AM so that I could make an appearance at the morning milking. I figured we’d come all this way to stay on a farm, I should check out the goods.

I forgot that farm’s have their own alarm clocks: roosters. At 5:30, the cock-a-doodle-doo woke me and every other animal on the farm (except Doug). I stayed in bed for about 20 minutes just listening to the sounds of the farm.

It was cold, so I put on a pair of jeans and one of Doug’s sweaters, laced up my hiking boots and headed into the dairy. Not surprisingly, I was the only farm guest who decided to brave the cold, damp, and smell of the dairy at milking time. Macka was there, dressed in a long black rubber smock and knee high “gum boots.” He greeted me cheerfully and told me where to stand so I could watch him work.
It all started simply enough. We chatted as he loaded a dozen cows into their feed/milking stalls and prepared to hook them up to the milking machines. He finally turned to me and asked, “Have you ever milked a cow?” I told him that not only had I never milked a cow, but I had never even been this close to a cow before. “Oh, well, you’d better get on down here and I’ll show you how to do it.”

So, down into the dairy I went. Macka showed me how to “handle the teat.” He assured me it wouldn’t break off, and soon enough I was actually milking a cow! At this point I realized that my boots were about to be ruined by the muck and mud on the floor, so I traded them in for some gum boots of my own.

Macka: “Let me show ya how to hook up these machines.”
Me: “Uh, OK.”

He showed me how to hold the attachments and get them to latch onto the cow’s teats. The cows don’t seem to like this too much, and they stamp and stomp around. I found this a little scary, but Macka keeps up a steady banter with the “girls” scolding them when needed with a loud, “Come on, you great fat tart!” or simply, “Go on, you old bitch!” I tried hooking up the machine, but it was covered in muck.

Macka: “If you’re going to stay in here, we better put you in a smock.”
Me: “Uh, OK.”
So, he dressed me up in a rubber smock and back to work we went. Before I knew it I was in there with Macka hooking machines up to cow udders and getting a crash course in the care and milking of Holsteins. It was dirty work. I soon found out the real value of the smock: the animals will pee or crap on anyone who has the misfortune of standing near them. Believe me, I was as near to them as anyone could ever expect to be. It’s a numbers game, really, at that proximity; you’re bound to get hit. The worst one was when a cow I was hooking up decided to let forth a golden shower. I ducked just in time to avoid a faceful of cow pee, but my smock got drenched.

Macka: “You got christened, I reckon!”
Me: “Uh, yeah. Cool.”

After two hours, all 138 cows were milked and the dairy truck was coming to collect the milk from last night and this morning’s collections. I stood there, literally covered in the most disgusting substances known to man or beast, and thought: how the hell did I get here? But, as crazy and disgusting as it was, it felt good to do “honest work.” Although Macka did most of the work (in fact, I was slowing him down), I barely noticed the time going by as I attached and detached the suction cups and kept an eye out for any raised tails (the only warning of an impending cow expulsion).

At about 8:30, I went back to Lodge 2 and called out to Doug to wake up. While he was doing his morning calisthenics, I took a walk around the farm, followed closely by an orange and yellow cat. There was a lot more activity at this point: there was a pony hitched up right outside our lodge, the rooster I’d heard earlier was stalking around checking out the hens, and the guy from the lodge next door was racing around after his 5 year old daughter who was terrorizing the baby animals (bunnies, chicks, cats).

After a very long and much needed shower, Doug and I took one last stroll around to say goodbye to the animals and Macka. Then, we were off to drive the Great Ocean Road.